I am both

By Jilan McQuilkin

C

hinese American
I once read an article reminding Americans to focus on what comes after the space
not before
and while this message was not racist in any form
it reminded me that many White people expect minorities to do this
while not following suit

how can I be expected to put my nationality first
when those expectant prioritize my ethnicity

I’m proud to be American
I’m thankful that I live in a free country
I’m glad that
although our systems can be corrupt
we recognize the injustice and fight for change

I love history
not the history of the White men
painting themselves without blemish
but the immigrants and slaves
weaving the canvas and pouring the paint

I love the story of the Black slaves
who fought in the Revolutionary War
I love the story of the Chinese Americans
who worked on the transcontinental railroad
I love the story of the Japanese Americans
who served against their own in World War II
I love the story of the Latino and Hispanic farmers
who pick our food under the sun

I love the story of every immigrant
who felt they had to prove themselves in order to be considered American
who felt that the price of freedom was racism
I love the story of men and women of every color
who fight for my freedom
who fight for our freedom

you don’t have to tell me to love America
you don’t have to tell me that I’m American
ever since I was 8 months old
I was American
I knew I was American
but society told me I was Chinese American
and then the racist man in the comments of a post told me I was Chinese

I felt like I was American but I was Chinese
I’m American but I’m still the Kung Flu
I’m American but I’m still Yellow Peril
I’m American but I’m still communist
I’m American but I’m still the nerdy supporting character

I couldn’t see myself as both
not because I did not want to
but because society told me I couldn’t be
both

until the uprising of voices against Asian hate
until my God told me I was fearfully and wonderfully made
not simple but complex
until people like me
expected to fully be their nationality yet labeled as an ethnicity
started saying
I am Asian American
I am Chinese American
I am a Chinese American adoptee

society doesn’t get to tell me who I am
I know who I am
to my country
to my culture
to myself
but even more importantly to God
I am equally and beautifully Chinese American
I am both.

Photo by qi bin on Unsplash

---

Jilan McQuilkin is a Chinese American adoptee from Southwest Florida. She is currently a senior in high school and has written two op-eds for her local newspaper, The News-Press. For the past four years, Jilan has taught dance and led a Hip Hop dance crew at her faith-based dance studio. As part of her role, she provides dance instruction and choreographs pieces relating to Christianity. She hopes to attend college and major in civil engineering.

More in this series: