Freed from Fearful Timidity in Order to Flourish

By Juliet Liu

I

never imagined myself as a preacher or a pastor.

I’m an introvert. A rule follower. A people pleaser. And pastoring was not on the menu for women in any of the Chinese American churches I grew up in, nor was it in any way encouraged as an option by my parents.

Today, I pastor a church in the northwest suburbs of Chicago. I preach twice a month; partner with the elder board to give spiritual leadership to our small congregation; and offer spiritual friendship and guidance for those seeking it. I give shape to our church’s practices and structures, and watch for ways God is at work in the neighborhoods around us so we can join Christ’s mission there. Next year will be my ten-year mark as a pastor. As I approach that anniversary, I wonder: In what ways has God flourished me in this unexpected vocation?

The Spirit Intervenes

I first started exploring a call to vocational ministry at the age of eighteen. I sensed a curiosity about this calling, but had very little imagination for what it could mean for me: a 2nd-generation Vietnamese-Chinese American woman. The cultural scripts handed to me as a woman dictated that I be deferential, quiet, and small. I most naturally gravitated toward ministry that would allow these scripts to go unchallenged.

In my college Intervarsity chapter, I knew I came to life studying the Bible in small groups and enjoyed meeting with younger students in mentoring relationships. My Intervarsity staff workers gave me opportunities to write curriculum and plan events. After I graduated, I went to seminary and continued these forms of ministry. Being most comfortable in behind-the-scenes and small group roles, I expected these were the lanes I would always swim in.

Yet the Spirit kept poking and prodding me in gentle ways. Try preaching. Ask for opportunities to teach and speak. Speak up; stop holding back your ideas around others! Offer your perspective. Step into places where you have leadership to offer.

I was happy to stay off to the side and serve Jesus in unnoticeable ways. (And don’t get me wrong, that is not “second-tier” leadership but a commendable life in Christ!) However, there are times we stay unseen not out of humility, but out of fearfulness and timidity. And it is then that, in my experience, the Spirit intervenes and disrupts, because “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline” (2 Timothy1:7).

My husband and I moved to a new church community in 2010, one which joyfully encouraged and equipped women to preach, teach, and lead. As I jumped in with both feet, I realized how scary it was to have to learn how to preach, teach, and lead in front of everyone. There really is no way to get better at these skills than to do them more, and with people watching!

My earliest sermons were all over the place. Some showed some real potential. Others struggled to find their point. Some sermons landed the plane eventually, but only after circling, and circling, and circling the runway. Yet there was no way for me to practice and improve while hiding in safety! My fearful perfectionism, imposter syndrome, and timidity were exposed in a new way. But the good news was as they were exposed, there was opportunity for healing and growth. I learned to rely on God’s grace, and the grace of my congregation, in a new way.

In 2014, my congregation invited me to begin serving as a pastor. In the years since, I have grown in my gifts and skills, but I’ve also made many mistakes. I’ve spoken with insensitivity. I’ve pitched ideas that were terrible. I’ve made the wrong calls. I’ve acted out of self-interest. I’ve chickened out of doing the right thing because it was easier to do something else.

Yet even in these mistakes and imperfections, God has been at work in me. My fears of imperfection have been confronted. I’ve had to learn true humility—the kind that compels me to seek repair when I have made a mistake, not the kind that makes me hide. I have come face-to-face with those deeply rooted but false messages about who I am allowed to be as an Asian American woman. Pastoring has been the soil on which I have met the Lord, over and over again. This calling invites me to be saturated in God’s presence and in God’s Word, year after year. It stirs up all of my insecurities and fears and my imposter syndrome, and those things become the ripe soil on which Jesus meets me, over and over again, to speak his words of love. And it has taught me that I have more to offer God’s kingdom than my deferential submissiveness. I have a voice. I am made in the image of God. I house the Holy Spirit within me and reflect Christ’s presence in a unique way into this world.

Flourishing Outside the Mold

Looking back, what seems clear to me now is that the Spirit was not content to let me stay where I was. The Spirit wanted to break open this false mold I had been offered as an Asian American woman, freeing me to step out and become more fully who God created me to be.

I think often of Queen Esther. Esther was good at playing to other people’s expectations of the kind of woman she should be: beautiful, submissive, silent. That was the cultural expectation for women at that time. She had to be that kind of woman to survive. And she excelled at being that kind of woman. She could have stayed that woman her whole life.

But God had much more in mind for Esther. Her people needed her. They needed her voice and her action. In order for Esther to say “yes” to God’s work through her, she had to shed her old picture of that ideal woman she was supposed to be so that she could become who she truly was made to be: a rescuer of Israel. Esther’s courage to step out of her mold enabled her to disrupt an empire and save her people!

I think often of Moses, and his insistent timidity. The living God spoke to Moses from a blazing bush in the desert, commanding him to confront Pharaoh and bring a message of liberation to God’s people. In fearful timidity, Moses said “no” to God—three times! “I can’t do it, God. I’m not the right person. You’ve got the wrong guy. I can’t even speak well! I’m a nobody, God. No one will listen to me. I’m just a slave.” God could have found another guy. But God wasn’t content to leave Moses. God wanted to free Moses too. And what happened when Moses stepped out of his timidity? An entire people was delivered.

How is God wanting you to flourish as you leave behind the molds you’ve been handed? Perhaps like me, the Spirit is nudging you, gently guiding you away from timidity and into joyful boldness. Perhaps outside the mold you’ve been offered as a man or a woman, the Spirit is beckoning you to experience fullness of life by exploring a different way of embodying “masculinity” or “femininity.” Perhaps you’re sensing you are no longer content to play the role assigned to you, and the Spirit is inviting you into a new adventure. Like Esther, and like Moses, and as I have seen in my own life, what God is doing in you will have blessings far beyond just yourself. Because when one person flourishes in God’s kingdom, it leads to the flourishing of many.

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Juliet Liu has served as a pastor at Life on the Vine since 2014. She is a 2nd generation Vietnamese Chinese American, and married to Sheldon; they have two sons who are now able to reach things on high shelves for Juliet. Juliet is a current Doctor of Ministry student at Garrett Evangelical Theological Seminary on Northwestern's campus, a graduate of Trinity Evangelical Divinity School (M.Div, 2005) and an alumna of the University of Illinois in Urbana-Champaign (B.A., 2001). Prior to coming to Life on the Vine in 2010, she ministered as a college campus minister with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, the Director of Worship at Northshore Chinese Christian Church (2005-2007), and Director of Chapel at Trinity International University (2007-2009). She also taught periodically at Trinity International University as an adjunct faculty member of the Christian Ministries Department. Juliet currently serves as Chair of the Board for Missio Alliance, offers spiritual direction, and enjoys speaking and writing about spirituality that is both contemplative and justice-centered, the joy of men and women fully partnering together for the kingdom, and the gospel and racial justice.